SINCE FEB 8TH 2011
this is only place I speak from my mind without caring how I'd seem like.
4
turned out, we weren’t both faithful to each other
when we were still in a long distance relationship. oh well.
I am still worse one tho. It just. hard to take.
now we are finally together, committed to each other but,
after all the issues I am starting to feel doubt about us .
what if what we believe is not real? what if we are just two lonely people?
I don’t know, maybe I am just being freak. we both have attempted to fuck other people
when we were in a long distance relationship.although he failed to do it and I did.
nothing to be proud of to achieve tho, anyways.. what’s worse?
It is just, everything seems fucked up. I know I have to focus on “NOW” “US”.
we are married, living together, chose each other after all..
been thinking going back to my country and screw all this, thousand times lately.
I am already gone a way too far I know. This only seems insecure.
3
continued to 2.
alright it sounds pretty dumb idea tho, I decided to write down, how awesome he is still regardless of current issue. end of sentence, I hope to find myself still trust him and feel secure about us. okay, here it goes. 1.He is married to me to help my visa status.(of course we are dedicated to each other enough to considering a real marriage, but still not ready, in terms of being successful, age, and stuff). 2. He gave me second chance when he found out my cheats on him 3. bought me Macbook Pro 4. moved me to NY 5. spent $800 to fix my car 6. flew to Houston every month or 3weeks, just to see me, during our long distance relationship 7. always be willing to do whatever to make me happy 8. know how to make me laugh 9. bought me beautiful rose to make me feel better 10. always look for shows because I (we both actually) love music 11. never talk shit about me to anyone 12. always make sure if I came during fuck 13. always try to teach/correct me English as it’s my second language 14. know how to give love 15. always stay positive
alright, I have posted this, and read it through, and he is still amazing person.
I do feel a little better, but It still hurts. I mean.. he still seems not over his 3years ex-girlfriend regardless of all the nice things about him. seriously.. why would he look up her name on google search, when I was on my way on the plane to move in with him in NY.. wasn’t he supposed to all excited about starting new life with me? . sigh. if I think about that moment he searching her name and went through her twitter and some other bullshit.. its like, he wasn’t thinking about me at all. and I am the one, moving in, married to him. It might have been better if I am overreacting.. I will never understand this, and this will always be something block me or him, for opening up to each other or trusting..
I don’t know what it is. really.. I am now acting normally but still this shit is all over my head enough makes me writing about it furiously.. I really don’t know how I am going to deal with this..
2
although I will never mention it and it will eventually go away, so far,
I can’t get rid of it from my head, It comes back and forth, past 24hours.
When I hug, kiss, fuck him and look at him, It reminds me of the fact that, he was searching his ex-girlfriend’s name on google search especially on the day I moved to NY from Houston to live with him. I keep asking him in silence “why?why?why?”
Everything seems same but I don’t feel secure at this moment, in a matter of relationship.
He has told me “I love you so much,” bunch of times already in a day which is used to blow my mind. Sadly though, I don’t feel anything when I hear it since last night. I wish I could forget about it. what’s wrong with living in a fairly tale?where no one gets hurts and everyone believes what they wish to happen.
1
fucking bad habit, led me here again as well as he couldn’t resist his own bad habit.
I’ve tried not to, been aware of fact that,I should stop, but couldn’t help it.
guess what?. obviously, he always leaves me something for me to find out.
It’s not so surprising, that he specifically typed her name on google, regardless,
It is still hurtful. being disappointed even seems wrong at this point, rather,
feel like, I should force myself to give up and just admit that how it is.
of course I am not in the position to get pissed off or spiteful no matter what he does
considering how I hurt him and what I have done in the past.. oh well, so I won’t speak out about this. I can’t share this with anyone I know, so here I am, pitifully and furiously complaining here and drinking fucking tea to calm down. after this posting, I am going to sing a song loudly. I got to be pretending as if nothing is going on my mind, when he shows up later on.
